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An invitation to lunch at Caviar Kaspia was, once upon a time, an offer you simply didn't refuse.
Providing, of course, that the bill was on someone else. Because caviar, smeared on blinis or piled high on baked potatoes, sure didn't come cheap. There may have been other things on the menu, but no one paid them much heed. This was all about lashings of the black stuff.
Caviar Kaspia's signature baked potato and caviar: ‘there are few better dishes on earth…only the price, at just under £150, is ridiculous'
Caviar Kaspia popped her final tin about two decades back. And that site, hidden down a smart Mayfair mews, was taken over by Gavin Rankin (who used to be the boss), and transformed into the brilliant Bellamy's. It prospers to this day. Kaspia, on the other hand, went quiet.
Until last year, when she reopened as a members' club in another Mayfair backstreet. But a £2,000 a year membership fee proved hard to swallow, meaning the doors were opened to the great unwashed.
Which is how we find ourselves sitting in a rather handsome - albeit near empty - dining room, lusciously lavish, under the stern gaze of a stern painting of a very stern man. The soft, crepuscular gloom is broken up by the glare of table lamps, indecorously bright, while a loud soundtrack of indolent, indeterminate beats throbs in the background.
The whole place is scented with gilded ennui.
Our fellow diners are two young South Korean women of pale, luminescent beauty, clad in diaphanous couture. They don't speak, rather communicate entirely via camera phone. Pose, click, check, filter, post. Immaculate waiters hover in the shadows.
We sip ice-cold vodka, and eat a £77 caviar and smoked-salmon Kaspia croque monsieur that tastes far better than it ought to. Next door, a large table fills with a glut of the noisily, glossily confident.
We're looked after by a wonderful French lady of such effervescent charm and charisma that had she burst into an impromptu performance of ‘Willkommen', we would have barely blinked. Baked potatoes, skin as crisp as parchment, insides whipped savagely hard with butter and sour cream, are a study in tuber art.
A cool jet-black splodge of oscietra caviar, gently saline, raises them to the sublime. Only the price, at just under £150 each, is ridiculous. But there are few better dishes on earth. I'd eat this every day if I could. But I can't. Obviously. That's the problem with caviar.
One taste is never enough.
About £200 per head. Caviar Kaspia, 1a Chesterfield Street, London W1; caviarkaspialondon.com
★★★★✩
My favourite luxury dishes
Tom's pick of the best places to splash the culinary cash in LondonTom's pick of the best places to splash the culinary cash in London
The Ritz
Beef wellington sliced and sauced at the table (£150) and crêpes suzette flambéed with aplomb (£62): Arts de la Table is edible theatre at its most delectable.
theritzlondon.com
Otto's
Come to this classic French restaurant for the canard or homard à la presse (£150-£220 per person); stay for beef tartare (£42), foie gras (£22) and poulet de bresse rôti (£190, two courses).
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Sushi Kanesaka
Piscine perfection comes at an eye-watering £420 per person, sans booze. But this 13-seat sushi bar shows omakase dining at its very finest.
dorchestercollection.com
Min Jiang
The dim sum is some of the best in town. But don't miss the wood-fired Beijing duck (£98) - crisp skin first, then two servings of the meat. Superb.
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Lady Gaga is set to release her seventh studio album in February.
Despite lead single Disease stalling on the Hot 100 at No. 27, the 38-year-old is forging ahead with her next album, which she described as both 'fun' and 'darker.'
Speaking to Vogue magazine about the project, Gaga said that she's been focused on the production side of her new songs.
'I love producing — I always have — and something that was really important to me making my seventh studio album was blending live instrumentation with programming,' she explained.
'The album is chaotic from a genre perspective — it is genre-bending, and I think in that way is a deeply personal look into my mind as a producer and the way I think about music.'
She also said that the album has a 'darker pop' sound that's more in line with her iconic 2009 album, The Fame Monster.
However, fans need not be worried that Gaga is going too somber with her sound.
'The album is not extremely serious in that it's very fun and meant to be enjoyed at a party, in a club, or at home having personal fun time — to be free of your worries at home or walking through life,' she insisted.
Lady Gaga is focused on releasing her seventh studio album this February following the disappointing reception to lead single Disease
Gaga released the album's lead single Disease last month to rave reviews from music critics, who lauded it as a return to the star's roots.
Unfortunately, the acclaim failed to translate to the charts, with Disease debuting at No. 27 on the Hot 100 - her worst entry for a lead single in 16 years.
On the bright side, Gaga is currently enjoying one of her biggest hits in years thanks to her Bruno Mars duet, Die With a Smile.
The ballad has so far reached No. 2 on the Hot 100 and No. 1 on the Pop Airplay Chart.
It comes after Gaga's leading role in the disastrous Joker: Folie à Deux.
The follow-up to the Oscar-winning 2019 film, starring Joaquin Phoenix as Arthur Fleck (Joker) and Gaga as Lee Quinzel (Harley Quinn), faced negative reviews from critics before its October 4 release and flopped at the box office.
Tim, 39, who played a guard at Arkham Asylum in the movie, said Todd Philips's new film has 'no plot' and admitted he knew it was 'going to bomb' while filming.
Speaking on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast, Tim said: 'It's the worst film ever made.
Gaga told Vogue magazine that she's been focused on the production side of her new songs
Gaga released the album's lead single Disease last month to rave reviews from music critics, but the song flopped on the Hot 100
'I think what happened, after the first Joker, there was a lot of talk like, "Oh, this was loved by incels. This was loved by the wrong kinds of people. This sent the wrong kind of message. Male rage! Nihilism!" All these think pieces.
'And then I think, "What if we went the other way," and now they have Joaquin Phoenix and Lady Gaga tap dancing to a point where it's insane,' he continued.
'It has no plot. We would sit there, me and these other guys were all dressed in these security outfits because we're working at the Arkham Asylum, and I would turn to one of them and we'd hear this crap and I'd go, "What the f*** is this?" And they'd go, "This is going to bomb, man." I go, "This is the worst thing I've ever seen."
'We were talking about it at lunch, and we'd go, "What is the plot? Is there a plot? I don't know, I think he falls in love with her in the prison?" It's not even hate-watchable. That's how terrible it is.'
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